Do You Miss Being Needed? Good. Let's Use That.

Written by Dr. Steve Sandoval

Founder, The Existential Retiree

Let’s go ahead and call it what it is: the weird void. You retire, maybe throw a party, take a trip to the coast of Mexico, clean out the garage... and then it hits. No more urgent emails. No more "Can you weigh in on this real quick?" No more people needing you to fix, solve, lead, or show up. And while that might sound like bliss, many retirees quietly whisper a very different feeling:

"I don’t feel useful anymore."

This isn’t weakness. It’s not co-dependence. It’s human. The good news: it might be the single most powerful lever for growth in retirement—if we know how to wield and work with it.

Being Needed vs. Being Directed

Here’s the real distinction that retirees rarely name: What they miss isn’t just being useful. It’s being asked to be useful.

For decades, most of us lived or worked in systems that told us what needed to be done. Our calendars were filled by us and sometimes for us. People needed our guidance, our support, our reports, our deliverables. It felt good being “pinged.” And that sense of usefulness was real—but it was often assigned to us.

Retirement strips away the external prompts. No one's handing you a list anymore. And for a while, that can feel like freedom, but with a side of vertigo—and quite literally in my case after about week three.

But here’s where existentialism comes in (yes, that word again).

Existentialism: Freedom with a Pulse

At its core, existentialism says this: You are free to choose. Full stop. 

There is no predetermined life script after retirement. That blank page in front of you? It’s an invitation that you get to fill in.

Jean-Paul Sartre put it bluntly: “Man is nothing else but what he makes of himself.”  Yes, the language is a bit outdated, but the core message still hits home today: we are not defined by what happens to us, but by what we choose to do next.

Your next act doesn’t need to be grand—but it does need to be authored by you. Not by your calendar, not (just) by your grandkids (bless them), and certainly not by any number of “shoulda/coulda/woulda’s” from internal or external pressures.

So, If You Miss Being Needed, Upgrade Existentially

Start by needing YOURSELF. Need your creativity. Your insight. Your skills. Your experience. Your care. Your weird knack for organizing community potlucks or teaching kids to play tennis or writing jokes that make people spit out their coffee. Better yet: Look outward and choose who and what needs you now—on your terms.

A woman captures the beauty of the outdoors with her camera, surrounded by lush greenery.

Shift Your Ache into Action

Here are a few sample ideas (of thousands) that can seed that “need to be needed” energy:

• Mentorship that matters – Not corporate, but real-world guidance. Help someone younger navigate the very things you wish you had figured out earlier. Tennis great Andre Agassi, once advised a rising star Carlos Alcaraz to soak up every bit of wisdom from fellow countryman Rafael Nadal, saying, “You always want to learn in ten minutes what took somebody ten years.” That’s what mentorship is at its best—a shortcut through someone else’s hard-won experience.

  
  

• Legacy projects – Document your family’s oral history, launch a podcast, or build that neighborhood tool library you always dreamed of. Tools like Story Worth make it easy to preserve meaningful stories—and strengthen your relational health in the process. A couple years ago, I gathered my parents’ memories into a keepsake book. I tell ya, if my house ever caught fire, after saving my wife and dogs, I’d grab two things: our family photos and those keepsake books.

  
  

• Micro-contributions – Join local task forces—not to run the show, but to offer what’s often in short supply: steady hands, seasoned minds, and quiet (or less-than-quiet) wisdom without the ego. Now more than ever, communities need smart, compassionate people to counterbalance the noise and help steady the ship in the face of today’s political dysfunction.

  
  

• Soul work – Get curious about what your soul still craves—art, music, slow mornings, long walks, faith exploration. Nourish that need too. And no, this doesn’t mean jumping back into a 9-to-5 or martyring yourself to someone else’s cause. It means aligning your time with your values and with what matters most. I picked up the bass guitar recently, and while I’m a long way from anything resembling actual music, I’m enjoying every missed slapped key minute of it, while, of course, also fulfilling a boyhood dream when ACDC was all the rage.

You Still Matter. So, Act Like It.

The good news? That old ache of not being needed is proof you still care. It means you’re alive and paying attention. It’s being human. The trick, however, is not waiting for someone to tap you on the shoulder and tell you what to do next. Because now, you’re the one holding the key.

So, ask yourself: What in this world still needs me—right now, as I am, no title required?

Whatever your answer, don’t just ponder it, pick up a pen and write down how you plan to begin the journey. Then take that first small step before your courage has a chance to negotiate with your doubt.

If you would like to learn more, please log into www.theflourishingretiree.net or reach out to me at theflourishingretiree@gmail.com. Would love to talk more about how I can help.

Sources

Sartre, J.-P. (1946). Existentialism Is a Humanism.